Waiting for a Happy Ending

I haven't written in a long, long time.  I haven't written because I haven't felt like writing.  Not because my fingers couldn't type, but because my soul was empty.

In March, I made a visit to my endocrinologist.  (I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism almost four years ago.  That's a story in and of itself, but I'm not telling it today.) I was pretty sure that my thyroid function was low.  And it was.

But then I started having some weird things happen.  One afternoon, out of the blue, my neck completely froze up of me.  It was like that for a couple of days then it was fine.  The joints in my hands started aching, and my thyroid felt like a rock in my throat.  The last time my joints ached, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, put on medication, and all the pain vanished.

Back to the endo I went.  He gave me a prescription for T3.  I didn't notice any improvement and opted to stop taking it.

Then one afternoon, my shoulder dislocated for no apparent reason.

That same weekend, I woke up in the night to find Corrine wandering aimlessly around the house in her sleep looking for the bathroom.  I guided her to the bathroom and back to her bed.  I crawled back into my bed, grumbling like a grouch about my sleep being disturbed.

As I laid my head down on my pillow, my heart started racing.  Out of control racing.  A wave of nausea hit me, and I made a beeline for my bathroom.  Then the shaking started and the over-whelming sense of panic.  I was dying.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't get enough oxygen.  I remember just siting in bed, legs crossed and audibly talking.  "Oh, God.  What's wrong with me?  What's happening.  I can't breath.  I'm going to die.  God, please, please.  Make it stop.  What is wrong with me?  Why is it doing this?"  Allan called 9-1-1.  I could hear the dispatcher talking to him asking what was wrong.  I kept saying, "I can't breath.  I can't get enough oxygen.  But, that doesn't make sense, does it, because I'm talking.  If I didn't have enough oxygen, I wouldn't be talking like this.  Oh, Lord.  It won't stop. I'm so scared.  But I don't know why.  What's wrong with me?!?!  Is this a panic attack?"

The paramedics arrived about 15 minutes into the ordeal.  The attack was starting to wane by then, but my heart rate was still 180 beats per minute.  The kids slept through the whole thing, for which was I immensely thankful.  The medics suggested that the new meds might be effecting me, and advised I visit my doctor again.

So, off to my endo I went, again.  This time, I was complaining of fatigue, joint pain, panic attacks and a menstrual cycle that wasn't cycling too well.

After doing some blood work, he suggested I see my GP.

In the meantime, I saw my Gyno for a routine visit, who, after looking at my labs, suggested I see a Rheumatologist.

I went to my GP's office and met with the Nurse Practitioner.  She upped my thyroid medication and suggested I come back in a month to see how I was feeling.

Then things got weird.  I started getting fevers and the joint pain was severe.  When I walked it felt like the bones in my feet were snapping and breaking.  I had to crawl into the passenger side of Allan's truck because I couldn't step up.  I couldn't push the button on the washing machine to start it.  I couldn't open jars or bottles.  I barely stubbed my toe on the carpet and cried out in pain. I didn't want Allan to hug me, because it felt like my shoulders were dislocating.  I couldn't fully extend my arms because it felt like my elbows were going to pop out of socket.  I couldn't unbuckle Claire from her car seat.

All I wanted to do was sleep.  But laying down was such a chore.  The weight of the blanket hurt, and any movement would make me suck in my breath or cry out.

And I cried.

And cried.

And cried.

I laid on my bed and told God, "If this is going to be the rest of my life, I would rather die."

Melanie.

"You know, I kind of feel like Job right now.  It's like 'behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house'.  (Note: we had a bit of a catastrophe with our house and it is currently being repaired.) But my kids are still alive.  As are the camels and the sheep.  Er, I mean the chickens and cats. (I still had a sense of humor.)

Why is this happening?  Why is my house falling apart and my health being stripped away from me?"

You asked to be more like Me.  You prayed.  You asked for patience.  For compassion.  

"I did, didn't I."

Yes.  I love you.

"You know, I asked for all that, hoping that each day I would just wake up a little more like you.  Or better, yet, that you would wave a wand and POOF!  More Chirst-like!  But that's not how it works, is it?"

No.  My strength is made perfect in your weakness.  I told you that you will have many kinds of trouble. But this gives you a reason to be very happy. You know that when your faith is tested, you learn to be patient in suffering. If you let that patience work in you, the end result will be good. You will be mature and complete. You will be all that God wants you to be.

"But why does it have to affect everyone around me?  Brandon is upset because he has been praying and praying for me to get better.  He just wants me to be able to play tag with him again.  I just want Allan to hold me and not have it hurt.  What about them?"

Then I wept.  I wept because I knew He was right.  I wept because I knew He loved me.  I wept because I loved Him, too.  I wept because I hurt.  I wept because my kids were hurting.  I wept because Allan was hurting.

I returned to my GP.  The fevers and severity of the joint pain got his complete attention.  He consulted with a Rheumatologist (because his new patient wait list was 4-months) via phone, and they performed a slew of tests.  Bacteria cultures, Lyme disease, cancer, Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, etc.  They looked for it all.  Then they put me on Prednisone so I could function.

Within five hours of taking my first dose of Prednisone, I could walk normally.  Horrible, awful, wonderful miracle drug.

The labs came back.  Most things were normal.  No bacteria, no Lyme's disease.  Inflammation markers were all high.  ANA was positive with a titer of 1:160 which wasn't too crazy.  Iron was low, but Ferritin (stored Iron) was good.

They still aren't sure.  After seeing my labs the Rheumtologist wants to make an exception and see me soon.  They did another ultrasound of my thyroid because I have trouble swallowing in the mornings and because something in my neck was popping when I swallowed a few nights ago.  They are checking out my heart because of the chest pain, but imagine it's all just due to the inflammation.

I've been eating an abundance of anti-inflammatory foods and drinking green tea (any GOOD green tea recommendations?---yuck!).

But probably the worst part about all this the doom and gloom feelings.  On bad days, I get so down.  I feel so sad, so depressed, so hopeless.  I know in my mind the TRUTH, but the feelings are all still there.  A couple of you have seen me on those days, but most of you haven't.

Today is one of those days.

Allan hugged me this morning, kissed me, noticed tears on my face and asked what was wrong.

"Nothing.  Everything.  I don't know.  I think it's just a bad day."

Then a friend called.  A friend who didn't know I was going through all this.  She cried and told me she loved me.  And I cried because I knew she did and because crying is just one of the things I do a lot of these days.

This post has been a long time in coming.  I didn't talk or write about my health issues because I didn't want it to be the center of my life.  But it is, for now.  I didn't write about it because I didn't know what was going on.  And I still don't.  I didn't write about it because I didn't know what to say.  But I said it anyway.

But I think I know the real reason.

I was waiting for a happy ending.

But I don't have one, yet. Although, that's not entirely true.  Because I have THE BEST happy ending ever created.  I have HOPE.




P.S.  Thank you to the people who knew, who have prayed for me, who have watched my kids and who have made me meals.  Thank you to the people who had no clue.  You are not any less important to me.

I have lots of good days.  Since I started taking Prednisone, most days are good days, and you could probably never tell something was wrong with me.  However, I stop taking Prednisone in a few more days, and quite frankly, I'm a little scared.






Comments

  1. Melanie, I am so sorry to hear of all you have been going through. I knew you were having trouble, but not that much! Wow. Sending many thoughts to you and prayers for you and your family!

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  2. Oh Melanie. I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. I will be praying for you and your family.

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  3. Thinking of you all! I have been praying for you:)

    Alisha

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  4. check into Candida overgrowth. All the symptom are that of a very common health issue, disease, yet it is rarely diagnosed. I had been diagnosed with Arthritis and possible thyroid issues....etc. The diet is very strict....basically you eat only most green vegis and eggs, chicken and a few oils (olive and coconut) . No caffeine, no sugar, fruit, grains, even rice, no nothin' that will feed the growth. My pains which were much like what you describe are much less now. I have heard that some people have to eat this way for a long time to get over it. Prayin for you!

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  5. Our family is praying for you and your family. I am so so sorry Melanie. Keep your focus on the Lord during the hard times. We love you.
    In Him, Judy DeLorenzo

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  6. Oh Mel... I am so sorry and will keep praying. Thank you for sharing a little of your story with me a couple weeks ago. Didn't realize just how awful you were feeling --you wear a good cover (Jill gave a few details you wouldn't have shared ). I am so thankful that you know the One who is holding you and will keep you, thankful that even though there are days you feel hopeless & depressed He is there carrying you, and thankful you have Allan there for you. I will truly keep you and your family in prayer. Thank you for sharing your heart. Love you much, Rachel Stevens

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  7. I enjoyed writing to you this morning thru a FB message!! Remember you are loved and I am speaking healing and comfort over your sweet life!! This is a part of your journey that is changing your life into the things you desire and these times are often mingled with situations that can change the course of our everyday life and bring our focus deeper into our Father and His personal love for us!! I know you are going to experience His love in ways that will be mind blowing!! He is just that type of Daddy!! He loves and cares in such profound, intense and detailed ways!! I will pray that you will experience His extreme comfort and rest during this very difficult and painful time!! I love you and your family!!

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  8. Oh Mel, I read your post this morning and haven't been able to get you out if my mind. I will pray for you every day that The Lords strength will carry your through the day. This is random but I've been following a blog called charliessong.com. She is our age and has been through a couple years of awful health. Her reflections to The Lord is amazing. Oh, and she lives in SLO. Love you friend.

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  9. Hi Mel, Thanks for sharing what you have been going through. I just want you to know you are in my prayers for healing, comfort, peace and answers. I have not been through anything like this physically but wanted to share this verse with you, if only to give comfort.
    "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." (‭Psalm‬ ‭46‬:‭1-7‬ NIV)

    Love, Karen

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  10. i cannot read this without crying. words of encouragement fail me because…your.faith.is.AMAZING. i see Him in you, Melanie. i truly do. your words and verses are such a testimony. i know the Lord has some big plans in all this. i just know He does. He's already reached through to me. what a blessing that you can share this. stay strong in Him. so thankful for you friend and sending my prayers.

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  11. Hey! It's Joanna from next door. My dad told me you would like the Link to Keith Moore Ministries and here it is http://www.moorelife.org/mlmindex.php I hope and pray that God would increase in you Hope, Faith, Healing and peace. God Bless you and your family. PS if you ever need help with the kids let me know, I'll be more then happy to help you. -love Joanna Isa 54 1Peter 2:24 Phil 4:19

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