When I Grow Up
I had a bit of a mid-life crisis a fortnight ago. Fortunately, it only lasted about 15 minutes.
It all started when I gave into my relentless curiosity and did some internet stalking. Stalking is a bit too strong of a word. It was more like research.
Why?
Well, because I'm a curious creature. The subjects of my interest this time, happened to be my high school classmates. Specifically, all the nerdy folks who shared AP classes with me seventeen years ago.
And when I finished, I felt so very, very small.
Professors at Pepperdine, PhDs, CEOs, General Managers, Mechanical Engineers, Professional Musicians, International Teachers, Attorneys at Law...the list goes on. And in my momentary mid-life crisis, I pondered, "How is it that I have reached the ripe age of 34 and am nothing?"
Now, don't get me wrong. I can conceive babies, birth babies, feed babies, burp babies, bathe babies, wipe babies, and dress babies. We won't talk about getting those babies to sleep. That part didn't go so well around here until child number three. And not because I became wonder mom, but rather, she just got the wonder (sleepy) genes.
I know that all that baby stuff is something more than nothing. Especially when it's all bundled up with love and swaddled with grace.
But for 15 minutes, I grieved the fact that I haven't done something bigger. Then God reminded me that sometimes the big things are little, and the little things are big. The only thing that matters is that I am joyfully in His will. And I am confident that His will is where I am right now. Not always joyfully, but mostly joyfully. I wouldn't trade these past 8 1/2 years of being home with my kiddos for the world.
At the same time, I do feel God has more for me. It's the what, how and when that I'm not exactly sure about. So, for now, I'll wait and enjoy this season that I am in...and dream.
I asked Allan about his dream job. He doesn't have one. Nope. He's not the dreaming type, so he has never considered it. Crazy. It makes me smile that we are so different.
The three kids seem to have gotten the dream gene and are forever talking about the future. Corrine's dreams change frequently, and she loves to talk about them when she should be going to sleep. "Someday I want to have a house, a building where kids can come and learn to paint. I would teach them how to paint."
"What about the kids who can't afford to come to your school?" I asked.
"If they have $195 they can pay $195. If they only have $1, then they can just pay $1."
Her dream of being a nurse or a doctor was a flitting dream. It came when she realized how much she loved to help people, and it went when she realized she would have to see gross things and smell gross things.
"I also might like babysitting. Well, not really babysitting. I'd like to watch little kids. Not babies."
Then she told me, "I really want to have a place where I do people's hair and nails and play Jesus music. Jesus music makes me feel so happy inside. I could just listen to it and do hair at the same time."
Brandon said he wants to help design jets for the military. Or become a geologist. He frequently talks to himself saying, "I wonder how this rock was formed. Why are there little pockets of air in here? I wonder how the earth split into continents? You know what, Momma, I'm going to make a hypothesis." Out comes notebook paper and he proceeds to draw a picture of the continents separating.
A week later, he decided that he'd just hunt for hidden treasure. He reasoned that there had to be some left somewhere where nobody had looked. "Speaking of treasure," said Allan, "did you happen to find the treasure that your buried in the garden?"
"Well, not yet." He grimaced. "It's somewhere by the onions, and it's about this deep. But I can't find it anywhere."
A few nights later, he was spouting endless facts about grey wolves and otters. A biologist he would be.
But the latest is this: "When I grow up, I want to take food and water to starving people in Africa. While I"m there I'll tell them about Jesus. Maybe like 1,000 people."
"There are people who do that," I said. "They're called missionaries. I always wanted to do that as well."
Claire is my biggest dreamer. She would like to be a mermaid. It's a change from a year ago when she wanted to be "a fairy, with wings to fly."
I want to be a fairy, too. I want to be a mermaid, a jet designer, an architect, and archaeologist, a missionary, a writer, a treasure hunter, a doctor, and a dozen other things.
But first, I think I need to do some more growing up.
It all started when I gave into my relentless curiosity and did some internet stalking. Stalking is a bit too strong of a word. It was more like research.
Why?
Well, because I'm a curious creature. The subjects of my interest this time, happened to be my high school classmates. Specifically, all the nerdy folks who shared AP classes with me seventeen years ago.
And when I finished, I felt so very, very small.
Professors at Pepperdine, PhDs, CEOs, General Managers, Mechanical Engineers, Professional Musicians, International Teachers, Attorneys at Law...the list goes on. And in my momentary mid-life crisis, I pondered, "How is it that I have reached the ripe age of 34 and am nothing?"
Now, don't get me wrong. I can conceive babies, birth babies, feed babies, burp babies, bathe babies, wipe babies, and dress babies. We won't talk about getting those babies to sleep. That part didn't go so well around here until child number three. And not because I became wonder mom, but rather, she just got the wonder (sleepy) genes.
I know that all that baby stuff is something more than nothing. Especially when it's all bundled up with love and swaddled with grace.
But for 15 minutes, I grieved the fact that I haven't done something bigger. Then God reminded me that sometimes the big things are little, and the little things are big. The only thing that matters is that I am joyfully in His will. And I am confident that His will is where I am right now. Not always joyfully, but mostly joyfully. I wouldn't trade these past 8 1/2 years of being home with my kiddos for the world.
At the same time, I do feel God has more for me. It's the what, how and when that I'm not exactly sure about. So, for now, I'll wait and enjoy this season that I am in...and dream.
I asked Allan about his dream job. He doesn't have one. Nope. He's not the dreaming type, so he has never considered it. Crazy. It makes me smile that we are so different.
The three kids seem to have gotten the dream gene and are forever talking about the future. Corrine's dreams change frequently, and she loves to talk about them when she should be going to sleep. "Someday I want to have a house, a building where kids can come and learn to paint. I would teach them how to paint."
"What about the kids who can't afford to come to your school?" I asked.
"If they have $195 they can pay $195. If they only have $1, then they can just pay $1."
Her dream of being a nurse or a doctor was a flitting dream. It came when she realized how much she loved to help people, and it went when she realized she would have to see gross things and smell gross things.
"I also might like babysitting. Well, not really babysitting. I'd like to watch little kids. Not babies."
Then she told me, "I really want to have a place where I do people's hair and nails and play Jesus music. Jesus music makes me feel so happy inside. I could just listen to it and do hair at the same time."
Brandon said he wants to help design jets for the military. Or become a geologist. He frequently talks to himself saying, "I wonder how this rock was formed. Why are there little pockets of air in here? I wonder how the earth split into continents? You know what, Momma, I'm going to make a hypothesis." Out comes notebook paper and he proceeds to draw a picture of the continents separating.
A week later, he decided that he'd just hunt for hidden treasure. He reasoned that there had to be some left somewhere where nobody had looked. "Speaking of treasure," said Allan, "did you happen to find the treasure that your buried in the garden?"
"Well, not yet." He grimaced. "It's somewhere by the onions, and it's about this deep. But I can't find it anywhere."
A few nights later, he was spouting endless facts about grey wolves and otters. A biologist he would be.
But the latest is this: "When I grow up, I want to take food and water to starving people in Africa. While I"m there I'll tell them about Jesus. Maybe like 1,000 people."
"There are people who do that," I said. "They're called missionaries. I always wanted to do that as well."
Claire is my biggest dreamer. She would like to be a mermaid. It's a change from a year ago when she wanted to be "a fairy, with wings to fly."
I want to be a fairy, too. I want to be a mermaid, a jet designer, an architect, and archaeologist, a missionary, a writer, a treasure hunter, a doctor, and a dozen other things.
But first, I think I need to do some more growing up.
Hi, i love this post so very much, because I have watched other moms become successful in their hobbies; and it has caused me to become discontent in my line of work. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life with our kids, but I can think surely I'm intended to do more or be a better christian reaching out to and serving others.....when, in reality, God has blessed be with three little souls to bring to Him. I have my work cut out for me right here in my home. I'm hit with the thought that what if I was to become something else great and it took me away from being 100% what I need to be to these children that He placed in my care. Leading them gently to Christ and encouraging them to reach for their dreams and follow God.
ReplyDeleteI am always encouraged by your blog. I love how open you are as a mommy and a wife. Keep on in our Lord. - Lindsey
I so enjoyed reading this post. I don't ever read blogs because, frankly, I don't have time - but Lauren Bowin shared a link on FB and I had a minute of downtime and now here I am scrolling through post after post because I am so inspired by your writing.
ReplyDeleteAnyways - I don't know you or your children well, but I loved reading about their aspirations. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a nurse (yes, despite seeing gross things and smelling gross things) and have known without a doubt that helping people heal is what I am passionate about. As I committed to 4+ years of education, I felt a lot of pressure to "hold off" on that dream (and I did for a couple years!) and wait for a husband and children. After all, what is the point of devoting so much time to education when you may never use it? I might interject here that no matter WHAT area of education, you will ALWAYS find a ways to use it, maybe not to its full potential, but you WILL use what you've learned. Moving on, I decided that I would forge ahead because, even if a husband and children were in God's plan for me, I would never feel adequate being "just" a wife and mom, and would always have a desire to work. When I was accepted into a nursing program I took on two nannying jobs, thinking it would be an easy way to make a living during school. Ha!
Every single day that I have worked as a nanny, my respect and appreciation for my own mother and for every mother I know has grown in leaps and bounds. There is no such thing as "just" a mom. Being a nanny is the most difficult (and rewarding) thing I have ever done, I cannot imaging how difficult it must be for a mother who is with her children constantly. You are an amazing superwoman! The gifts you have been given and the responsibility that you have exceed even the most prestigious career! The privilege to love your children and teach them about God's love cannot compare to any PhD, CEO, attorney, or professor.
Sorry to be so lengthy, but I just wanted to share appreciation and respect for what you are doing.
Kristen Bishop